


When A Shade Returns

by nikonic



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Light Angst, Sass, so much sass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 08:55:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14132607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nikonic/pseuds/nikonic
Summary: With her shade back, Julia tries to make up with Kady.





	When A Shade Returns

**Author's Note:**

> Rating for language.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, just mildly obsessed with Wickoff, so this short fic was born. As always, comments, reviews, and requests are welcomed and encouraged! Thanks!

Her heart pounds in her chest, ringing in her ears with the intensity of it all. Everything rushing back - fear, loathing, helplessness, pain, guilt, anger, grief. So much grief. Doubled over, knees hard against the cold ground and wind whipping around her, Julia clutches her chest, tears streaming down her cheeks. Again and again, memories of her shadeless self bombard her; all of the feelings and emotions that were missing then present now in shocking force. Amidst it all there’s one face that refuses to blend in with the deluge of everything else. 

Kady. It doesn’t surprise her. At least not this part. She knows what love feels like. She knows the soul-aching pain of watching your loved one suffer without being able to fix it. She felt that pain a lifetime ago with James. She caused that pain then and now. She knows the small skip when your person smiles gleefully at your expense. She knows the warmth of that embrace, the comfort, the knowledge of being home. Every last bit of that was jeopardized. Not just that, but Kady’s life, her very existence. It’s that realization that makes Julia scream her heartache to the empty barn now that all of the actions of her shadeless self match up with their appropriate emotions. 

Her joints are achy and stiff when she pulls herself off the ground to begin the slow journey back home. She could call a cab. Or Quentin if he’s not off being fucked by life in his own way. No, she thinks stubbornly. The walk will do her good. She uses it to make a plan. Or a vague smattering of ideas that will likely all crash and burn in her attempt to make up the last few months to Kady. 

Her apartment is empty, which isn’t at all surprising. The physical kids’ house is also missing a certain resident, and so Julia crosses town yet again to the studio apartment in Brooklyn that Kady hasn’t used in months in the sheer hope that they’ll cross paths. After ten minutes of knocking with no answer, Julia fights the urge to use her magic to just open the damn door; instead she sinks to the ground for the second time that day. With her back against the front door, legs stretched into the hallway, she waits. It’s a crapshoot where Kady will end up, but Julia bargains that it’s a good place as any to wait.

“Jesus,” Kady slurs when she turns the corner. “I just got you out of my damn head. What the fuck do you want?” Drunkenly, she jangles her keys more than a few times in her attempt to unlock the door, swatting away Julia’s helpful hands. “I can’t. I can’t be your fucking missing piece or whatever. It’s too fucking hard. Especially when we were whatever we were before...” Her sentence tumbles off, still unwilling to name the monster and call forth all the traumatic memories associated. 

“When we were in love,” Julia states. Kady glares at her, hating her in that moment for bringing up that particular emotion. Or rather trying to hate her. She’d prefer not to admit to herself, but she’s drunk enough that maybe it won’t matter. She knows, without a shadow of a doubt, that she loves Julia, is in love with Julia, any fucking version of Julia in any damn timeline or time loop. Kady knows it in her bones, feels it like the rush of magic in her veins, and that’s what makes all of this suck. “Can I come in?”

“Fuck you,” Kady manages, bracing her head against the ajar front door as her world spins with the force of her words.

Shoving her hands in her jacket pocket, Julia stares at the floor between them as if it were an impassable canyon. “At least let me help you get some water and get to bed,” she offers, hating to see Kady struggle. 

“Why? Because your muscle memory is trying to remind you what it’s like to actually give a shit about another human being? I told you. I can’t be your conscience. Fuck. I barely have one myself.” 

“No. Because I do care. Because I feel it all again. Us. It. Everything. It’s a lot at once, and I can’t really put it into words, but I know I need to be here with you.” It’s a bit too much for Kady to handle at this level of intoxication. The intensity of the conversation or the logic behind it- either way, she sighs and stumbles into her kitchen for another drink, leaving the door open behind her. 

Julia watches silently, as Kady knocks back a shot of Jack and then another. When she goes to pour a third, Julia swaps it out with a full glass of water. Kady sneers at her, but drinks it down anyway. “I got my shade back.” Dark eyebrows shoot up in question. “A reward, I guess. Fuck if I know. But it’s back. I’m not... what I was anymore. Not in that sense.” Kady wavers before retching violently in the sink. Julia holds her hair, rubbing her back soothingly. This at least is familiar territory, Julia thinks to herself, when she helps Kady back to the bathroom to get cleaned up and changed for bed. As Kady falls asleep, Julia wonders how much of the conversation will be rehashed tomorrow in the light of day and how her “best bitch” will react. Subconsciously, she thumbs the necklace resting against her collarbone and settles in for a long night.

Kady sleeps surprisingly well- overwhelmed, exhausted, emotionally fried, and just damn drunk. Waking up is a lot less fun, and Kady groans, lifting her hand in a feeble attempt to block out all sunlight. She hears a shuffle of noise in the kitchen and groans again, trying to remember who in the hell she brought home from the bar. When nothing comes to mind, Kady drags herself out of bed, absently noting the clean pajamas on her body. “What the fuck are you doing here,” Kady barks upon finding Julia putzing around and making coffee. “Jesus, some random stranger would be light years better than you right now.”

“That’s actually a term for astronomical distance,” Julia starts. “You’re right. Never mind,” she hastens at Kady’s deadly glare. “I got my shade back.” Again dark eyebrows quirk to the ceiling in question. “We talked about it last night.”

“Well then you can talk about it again because it’s your fault for thinking I was going to remember jack shit,” Kady sasses, groping blindly for a mug and finding only a clean cereal bowl. Julia gestures at the sink, where she is washing said mugs, but Kady ignores her, sloshing coffee into the bowl before turning to look at the other woman expectantly. 

“Right. Umm. I had a whole spiel. I practiced a lot while you were sleeping. Kind of told it to you a thousand times but it doesn’t count because you were, you know, sleeping,” Julia rambles. “But I got my shade back is the basic gist. It came back and brought back all the emotions and feelings that were missing. And it kept coming back to you. It’s always you. And I miss what we were before the summoning, before all of it. And I know we can’t be that again. We’re different people. But your fucked-up matches mine. And I don’t want to do this with anyone but you. And fuck, I’ve missed you. I didn’t know how much until I got it back. And I get it if you hate me or whatever. I’m kind of hating me too right now, but I had to try.” With an anxious sigh, Julia fidgets. “It sounded a lot less spastic when I was rehearsing earlier.”

Kady takes a beat. Then another. Quietly processing everything Julia just laid bare through the fog of a very insistent hangover. “I don’t hate you,” she says finally. After a long, steadying sip of coffee, Kady continues. “Trust me. I’ve fucking tried. It just doesn’t work. I’m pissed as hell, but I don’t hate you. I can’t say I would have spared that monster if I’d been in your shoes, and I’d feel a whole hell of a lot better if he was dead, but I can learn to live with it. Get over it at some point. I hear that’s what the healthy, mentally stable people do with their demons. Though I’m pretty sure they don’t have actual fucking demons, but what do I know?”

A shy, hopeful smile curls across Julia’s lips. “So can I stay,” she asks. 

“Your place has better coffee,” Kady counters. “And mugs.”

“I was washing one for you,” Julia sighs with playful exasperation. It’s a familiar argument, and it feels good. It feels normal. Or whatever normal is for them. “If you had even a smidge of patience, you wouldn’t have to drink coffee out of a cereal bowl.”

“Who says I wanted a mug for coffee? Maybe I wanted a mug for cereal,” Kady counters with a smirk, leaning back against the counter to enjoy the banter that has been missing from their relationship lately. “What I do want is for this throbbing in my head to go away because man, it feels like a jackhammer against my skull.”

Julia takes a step forward, a silent question playing in her features. Kady sighs, reluctant to use Julia’s magic for her own benefit, but nods her consent anyway. A steady warmth radiates through her forehead, and Kady leans into the touch. For a moment, she’s caught up in the memories of similar touches when late nights turned to early mornings, and they fought to keep their giddy giggles quiet to avoid waking their friends in the other rooms. It brings a small smile to her face. Opening her green eyes, she finds Julia exceptionally close. “Sorry,” Julia coughs, shuffling a few feet back, knowing it’s probably a little too soon to be invading Kady’s space for anything other than a quick magical fix. “Feeling better?”

“You mean is my hangover still threatening to remind me that I’m getting dangerously close to Eliot’s version of functioning alcoholism?” Kady pours herself another bowl of coffee slowly. “No, you fixed that. Thanks. If you find a way to magically address all the other gnarly demons in my head, or yours for that matter, let me know.“ A darkness clouds Julia’s features for a split second. “Yeah, that shade of yours has some catching up to do, but you know what works wonders for that?” Lifting a bottle of Jack in the air, Kady heads towards the couch cluttered with blankets and piles of clothes. “Irish coffee and I Love Lucy reruns. It’s the best remedy for forgetting the world is one large, giant asshole.”

Julia smiles, following suit, before shoving the clothes to the floor haphazardly. “That doesn’t count since Irish coffee is your answer for everything.” 

“Wrong. Sometimes my answer is punching the problem really hard in the face.” Julia snickers at Kady’s comeback and shakes her head, long dark curls dancing around her face. “And then I get an Irish coffee.” 

Julia glances over her shoulder, grinning widely at the childish wonder etched in Kady’s features watching Lucy shove chocolates down her shirt. That’s how the day passes- coffee, I Love Lucy, and lounging. It’s not a permanent fix; both women know that, but it’s a step in the right direction. It’s moving towards being okay, to living with each other’s demons, which might always be there, Julia reasons, but with Kady by her side, she’s willing to bet that they can always find a reason to smile.


End file.
